Comment: Hey truthseeker411,

I read your post FWB vs Cut buddy. It was very insightful. However, I have an issue. I am seeing this guy and we decided to label our relationship fwb, since we both are not ready to be in a relationship. We are both seeking companionship. The issue is he never calls, he sends occasional text messages. We never hang out in public like go grab a bite to eat or go to the movies. We are always at either my house or his. When we are together we laugh, talk, and have a lot of fun. It just isn’t sex. I get the feeling we are cut buddies but when I ask him, he says no we are more than a rumble in the hay. I expected us to do things together and talk on the phone occasionally. That’s what I signed up for as a fwb. When I read your post, you defined fwb how I expected it to be. My guy friend isn’t holding up his end.I would really like us to continue as fwb. I’m not sure how to make him understand how I feel without coming off as a nagger. FWB is supposed to be stress free. What should I do?

Sincerely, N.L. in Chicago

Click Here to read Friends with Benefits vs. Cut Buddies http://wp.me/p1FYfJ-6b

Dear N.L.

First of all I want to thank you for reading my blog. Secondly, I apologize for not responding promptly. I have been swamped with school work and it has been hard to keep up with my blog. Nonetheless, I am here now.

It’s sounds like you guys are on two different pages when it comes to how you define FWB. When you guys decided to be FWB, did you guys discuss at length exactly what you were looking for and your meaning of FWB? I ask this because people tend to have different definitions of FWB. There are several blog posts on the topic. My definition goes along with the Urban Dictionary. Also make sure you are not developing feeling sfor this guy. That’s one of the common reasons why FWB do not work. You’re right it is supposed to be stress free. You have to be comfortable and in agreement with the arrangement. That’s why it is important that both of you have an understanding of what the other wants. I say talk to him and tell him what you want. Then see of that is what he wants and go from there. The most important thing is to not settle for the arrangement if you are not happy with it. You have to be willing to walk away from it or it will continue to stress you out.

Alright Truthseeker fans…………what advice do you have for N.L.?

Truthseeker411

Hello Truthseeker Fans,

I know some of you are wondering where the hell is Truthseeker. Some of you probably haven’t noticed I haven’t posted lately. Either way, I’m back for now. *sigh* Let me just say that I have been a busy bee lately. Most of you know I am pursuing my Ph.D in Educational Leadership and Administration. I took three classes this semester and all three professors worked the hell out of me. I had major projects to back to back. On top of that I still have a full-time job that is very demanding. I am so looking forward to a vacation! With all of that going on, I just haven’t had the chance to write a post. The good news is that I only have two classes left and then I will begin my dissertation in the Fall. Yay Me! I’m going to knock those last two classes out this summer.

Oh I almost failed to mention that I am in the process of letting my relaxer grow out. I haven’t had a relaxer since July 2011. It certainly has been a journey. I am still transitioning and have learned a lot about natural hair. A friend of mine said you are brave to start a process like that while in graduate school. She’s right but it was now or never. I do plan to share my journey to natural with you so stay tuned for that.

As far as dating goes…here is my truth about dating story. I haven’t had the time to go on a date. Most of my potential suitors have left the building LOL! They say I am too damn busy! That is up until this past Friday. I was asked to accompany a handsome brotha to a concert. More details on that later.

Anyway Truthseeker fans thank you for hanging in there with me and giving me a nudge when I am gone too long.

Last but not least…………………Congratulations to all Graduates!!!! and Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers!!!

So tell me what’s been going on in your world?

Truthseeker411

(See the ladies get their typecasting with Seven Types of 35-Year-Old Women)

1.  The Unicorn

The Unicorn is totally normal and well-adjusted.  He has a good job, and makes a decent living, but is not a workaholic.  He likes his family, but doesn’t live with them.  He is funny, and well-informed, and cooks a mean pasta bolognese.  He has friends from all periods of his life with whom he is still in touch.  He is not an alcoholic, drug abuser, or porn addict.  He reads.  He is easy on the eyes, or even hot.  He is taller than you.  The Unicorn longs wistfully to meet his special someone, to lay his head in your lap to watch HBO on Sunday night after a weekend full of chores and friends and family, and to wake up with you on Monday mornings in perpetuity.

The most important thing to know about The Unicorn is that, as his name implies, he does not exist.

2.  The Married Guy

Look away from The Married Guy.  He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune, or cheating, in which case you should concentrate your energy on hoping he falls down and breaks his ankle, at a minimum.   Either way, he is not for you. Don’t give him a chance to flirt with you, even at a wedding; it will only erode your faith in humanity that much more.

The most important thing to know about The Married Guy is that he is already married and therefore nonexistent, as far as you’re concerned.

3.  The Eeyore

Poor Eeyore.  Some woman done him wrong, and he can’t get over it.  Maybe it was a divorce, maybe just a non-contractual broken heart, but either way he can’t love again because it just hurts. too. much.  He sure can mope, though.  He lives somewhere grim and bland, with unadorned white walls and no headboard.  The bulk of his emotional energy goes to nursing his great scabby wound, carefully enlarging it day by day.  Eeyore may perk up for a bit when he meets you, because even forlorn people get horny, but he can’t be happy with you long-term because he cannot be happy.  If your cup of love and affection truly runneth over, feel free to unload some into the gaping maw of Eeyore’s unhappiness.  You won’t get it back, but perhaps that will lighten the load for the rest of your journey.

The most important thing to know about Eeyore is that you can’t fix him, but you can waste a lot of time trying.  No seriously, you can’t fix him.  For real.

4.  The Peter Pan

Oh, Peter.  He is so cute in those tights.  His childlike enthusiasm for life helps you unearth the old, fun you, who stayed up drinking until the bars closed and talking until the sun came up.  Sadly the old you, like the current Peter, did not have a job that required leading staff meetings at 9 a.m. At some point in your relationship with Peter, you will remember the benefits of 8 hours of sleep and sufficient hydration, and you will gradually become the buzz kill who starts tapping her foot impatiently when Peter orders another round at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday, or worse yet the fuming harpy lying rigid with fury as you wait for him to stumble into the house at last call.

The most important thing to know about The Peter Pan is that he can’t resist something shiny, and eventually you will become dull, what with the desire to sleep at night and the full-time job.  Best chance with Peter is to meet him when you are 25 and perhaps grow up together.   Wave bon voyage to that ship, for it has sailed.

5.  Mr. Saturday Night

Mr. Saturday Night is a big success.  He has a closet full of Ben Sherman shirts and if he doesn’t yet own a bespoke suit, rest assured that he soon will.   Mr. Saturday Night smells good and drives a nice car, which he valet-parks with assurance at trendy restaurants.  He owns a well-furnished condo in a high-rise, with black leather modular furniture and an unused kitchen.  With his carefully mussed hair, gym membership, and back slapping affability, Mr. Saturday Night is half overgrown frat boy and half metrosexual, but all narcissist.  He’s a good date if you like wearing heels and drinking martinis in places that are always a bit too loud, and don’t mind spending weeknights alone while he works late and gladhands with business associates.

The most important thing to know about Mr. Saturday Night is that he will look almost as good at 45 as he does at 35, and it’s then that he will marry the smart, attractive, and blonde-highlighted type of 30-year-old that you were five years ago.

6.  The Braying Ass

Not to be confused with poor Eeyore, The Braying Ass is single at 35 for reasons that he can’t quite discern but you readily can.  He condescends to waiters, interrupts your sentences, elicits a weary if wincing acceptance from colleagues, and has a little too much body hair to be overlooked in light of his other bad traits.  The Braying Ass subscribes to Maxim.  He is confident for no good reason.  He is a little too close to his mother, who loves him with a fierce and unsettling passion.  He has an annoying, honking laugh, but nice eyes and a good heart.

The most important thing to know about The Braying Ass is that he is not ideal, but he actually looks pretty good in some lights.  Some of his bad traits are just habits that can be reversed in time, but some run far deeper, and you will be cringing about them at dinner parties ten years from now.  Make that 40 years if your kids inherit them.

Gentlemen, where do you fall on this list? What are your thoughts? Ladies, do you agree with her assessment the different types of men? Do share!

Truthseeker411

Caveat: Like the last one, this is by no means an exhaustive list.

1.  The Careerist

The Careerist spent her entire twenties in school, or working 65 hours a week on the Hill for $30,000 per annum.  Now she is midway up the career ladder and consumed with climbing even higher.  She thinks about dating, and even tries to sometimes, but all the men she meets are Mr. Saturday Night types or, at best, Braying Asses.  The kind of sweet, scruffy grad school students she used to date have either morphed into one of the two types mentioned above or stayed sweet and scruffy and are totally threatened by dating someone who makes more money than they do.  So, she eats her Lean Cuisines alone in her condo and ponders dog ownership, always deciding that she just doesn’t have the time for one right now, but soon.  Soon.

2. The Gay Divorcee

Whether she has kids or not, The Gay Divorcee is exhausted and wary.  She has seen the upsides and downsides of committed couplehood, and she’s not at all sure the pleasures of the first are worth the horrors of the second.  She doesn’t quite fit in with her single friends, who are wistful for their own white weddings (and a bit jealous of her wedding registry KitchenAid mixer and heavy flatware), but to some of her married friends she is anathema–the worst case scenario, a living embodiment of the ultimate catastrophe.  She has some trust issues.  She has some anger.  She has what you might call baggage.  She is either deeply relieved that she did not procreate with her ex, or terrified that she’s missed her chance. The idea of dating makes her want to sleep for days.

3.  The Upbeat Ugly Duckling

The Duckling is everyone’s best pal.  She is a sympathetic ear for the emotionally conflicted, bridesmaid extraordinaire, the fun auntie who buys the best birthday presents, and on-demand brunch buddy for her gay friends.  She bakes cupcakes.  She’s a joiner–book clubs, volunteer tutoring, Improv classes. She has mastered the art of being the plus-one, the person who fills in at the concert when a date backs out at the last minute.  There are plenty of people she could call at three a.m., which is great, but she wishes there were someone she could wake by rolling over and shaking his shoulder.  Her romantic interests tend to be the kind of men who don’t commit, and definitely the kind who don’t come to potluck night with the gang.  She has been waiting for the pieces to fall into place, and is becoming increasingly concerned that they might not, but she maintains an outwardly cheerful countenance anyway.

4.  The Mouse

The Mouse is a nervous, timid girl, usually wearing a cardigan to counter a chill that no one else feels.  Her hobbies are esoteric–maybe she sings in a choir, or takes ceramics.  She hasn’t been known to date anyone for years, in fact, it’s generally assumed that she is a little afraid of men, their roughness and loudness and unpredictable natures.  Her life is a china shop, and she fears the proverbial bull.  She has two cats, each of which has an old-fashioned, multisyllabic name–Desdemona or Sebastian.  The Mouse musters up the courage to put herself out there every once in a while, but psyching herself up for the Singles Volunteer Event or whatever is so exhausting that she’s always spent by the time it rolls around.  Her shabby-chic apartment on a quiet street is her bookish refuge.

5.  The Aging Party Girl

Well, she finally quit smoking, but she seems a little lost without the habit.  The Party Girl still hits the old haunts, but now it’s mostly to reminisce with her bartender friends about old crazy antics instead of to create new mayhem.  She used to sleep with the band guy back in the day, and now when she runs into him on the street she is stunned by how old and tired he looks; all gin blossoms and jowl.  It makes her grateful for the feminine mercies afforded by makeup. Recently, she caught herself wondering for the first time if her outfit was age-appropriate.  She promptly ordered a Grand Marnier back to banish that thought.  She misses her old crowd, now mostly married and saddled with kids.  The people she sees out now just seem so…callow, but what is she supposed to do, stay home alone?

6.  The Determined Dater

The DD has chipper profiles on Match.com, eHarmony, PLentyofFish, and several even less reputable sites that she doesn’t tell people about.  She dates like it’s a part-time job.  She’s looked at so many profiles, and been on so many awkward coffee dates, that every man in the city looks vaguely familiar.  When men make eye contact with her on the street, she smiles radiantly just in case it’s someone she’s kissed.  She has a first date outfit for every season and rotates shoes according to her prospective dates’ alleged height.  She has been telling herself that it’s a numbers game, but the more she crunches the numbers the more fearful she is that this particular account won’t ever balance.  She sets deadlines for herself–If I’m not in a committed relationship by 37 I will go to a sperm bank–but gratefully lets them slip when a date seems promising.   She has decided that she will spend her next tax return on matchmaking services, and the one after that on cryogenic egg preservation.

7.  The Zen Mistress

This incredibly flexible, vegan, Zen koan-quoting quasi-Buddhist is concentrating on her body instead of some man’s.  From her incredibly complex yoga schedule, to her weekly early morning power-walk with her Peace Corps buddy, to the food scale on her counter, she is in control of her life. Her therapist and her acupuncturist agree that she has made huge strides since she hit rock-bottom after her last long-term relationship died over her ex’s refusal to put a ring on it if he liked it so much.  He went to Spain and opened a cafe with some shiny 25-year-old who looks nothing like her, and she wishes them well.  As far as you know.  The Zen Mistress works for a nonprofit and thinks deeply about whether shaving her legs sets feminism back.  She has a tiny secret crush on the barista who makes her soy latte every morning.  This is the only erotic charge in her entire cruelty-free life.

Ok Ladies, Which one describes you best? Can you relate to more than one type? Do tell!

Truthseeker411

Reblogged from Staked in the Heart:

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A few years ago, Greg Behrendt wrote a brilliant book called “He’s Just Not That Into You” to help women figure out what was going on with men.

The concepts still apply, but need updating.

He’s not that into you if:

1.   He doesn’t call/text or email -  Yeah, there’s nothing going on between the two of you except what’s happening in your mind, even if he smiles at you when you run into him wherever.

Read more… 516 more words

Thumbs up Carolina! This is definitely worthy of sharing with my fans! We know the clues but sometimes we have to be reminded. These are great tips to know when he's not that into you!  Truthseeker411

This post is a from Around The Way Curls @ http://www.acurlsbf.com by Antoinette and Shanti. I thought it was very interesting and thought-provoking; therefore, I’m sharing it with you. Without further ado………….Is getting married revolutionary these days?

My mother was on a tangent about how the world is going to hell in a hand bag when she first made me reconsider the purpose of marriage. Bereft of the many torn and single families that she has seen and experienced in her life she turned to me fired up and serious, ”Marriage is revolutionary these days. To choose to unite with someone and go against the grain of this structureless society is revolutionary.”

I am a mother but I am not a wife. That’s normal these days. It is damn near expected and almost entirely accepted. How many times does the scenario play that a mother takes that deep, sad breath as she looks at her full bellied, young, unwed daughter.  How many “everything will be ok”s are spoken to daughters as mothers weigh heavy with the knowledge of the hardship of “the everything” that their naive daughters will endure to get to ” the ok”. Cycles repeat.

Couples stay together for years, undeniably in union yet still clinging to branches of uncertainty and denial. They share their money, love, families, children, homes and dreams with one another yet thoughts of ,”What if he isn’t the one?”, “I’m not ready to settle down?”, “We don’t need a piece of paper”, “We don’t believe in marriage”, “We aren’t financially ready” keep them individualized indefinitely. Yet, how many marriages do we know that the couples married and stayed together although faithfulness is a failure. Separate rooms and beds are the norm, submission and stubbornness are learned and slowly eat away at tenderness and compromise. Tension fills the once happy home. Children learn to be more mature than their angry parents. They become mediators and counselors. They become cynical, lost adults. Blended families become blessings. Step fathers become saviors. Step mother’s become best friends trusted and accepted. Love can be reborn if it doesn’t work out the first time. There are so many reasons why people are wary of marriage. There are so many arguments for it that are strong. There are so many arguments against it that are reasonable.

 Regardless, I admire couples that walk down the aisle – young, old, naive, wise, heartbroken but hopeful, brave, scared, grateful, certain and ready. I imagine in a world where it seems so much easier and “modern” to go other routes that it requires some revolutionary sentiment to marry.  Do or die. By any means necessary. But now a days is it really necessary? What do you think the purpose of marriage is in this day and age?

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Reblogged from Black! Not White Dipped in Chocolate:

Do you feel that black men ( in general) are becoming more accepting of natural hair on black women?

There is a stereotype that most black women with natural hair tend to date white men. I don’t feel this is true, but I can understand where the stereotype comes from. If we look at the music videos, men’s magazines and other forms of media we mostly see black women depicted with long straight hair.

Read more… 349 more words

I'm on the journey to being natural and I have quite a few natural friends. The discussion came up about black men and their thoughts about natural hair. This post is very insightful and definitely worthy of a reblog. I would love you hear your thought about this topic. Come on men, what are your thoughts? Truthseeker411

Reblogged from Love, Lust and Everything in Between:

This is a very interesting and relevant post from Love, Lust, and Everything in Between. I just had to reblog it. Enjoy! Truthseeker fans share your thoughts.